In helping people overcome homosexuality, we've found that many are in confusion about what homosexuality actually is. There is no agreement among either the scientific community, religious groups or homosexual people themselves as to the definition of homosexuality. Lawrence J. Hatter, author of Changing Homosexualitv in the Male, has given this definition: "One who is motivated, in adult life, by a definite preferential erotic attraction to members of the same sex and who usually, but not necessarily, engages in overt sexual relations with them." We've found this to be a good working definition, though a full explanation of the condition of homosexuality goes much deeper.
The majority of homosexuals believe they were born "gay." This belief often supplies them with comfort, relieving them of any responsibility to change. However, there is no solid scientific evidence that people are born homosexual. The overwhelming majority of gay people are completely normal genetically. They are fully male or female.
We believe homosexuality is learned behavior which is influenced by a number of factors: a disrupted family life in early years, a lack of unconditional love on the part of either parent, a failure to identify with the same-sex parent. Later, these problems can result in a search for love and acceptance, envy of the same or the opposite sex, a life controlled by various fears and feelings of isolation. One thing that does seem clear: homosexuality is brought about by a multitude of root causes. It is simplistic thinking to lay the blame on any single area. Fears of the opposite sex, incest, or molestation, dominant mothers and weak fathers, demonic oppression: all of these may play a part in causing homosexuality, but no individual factor alone can cause it. Along with outside factors in a person's life, his own personal choices have played a key role in forming and shaping his homosexual identity, though few will admit this.
The problem of homosexuality involves much more than simply a sexual act. Those caught up in this sin usually have entered the homosexual lifestyle to some degree. To better understand the circumstances of the homosexual person seeking help, we've divided homosexuality into four components: behavior, psychic response, identity and lifestyle.
Behavior. Often, it is assumed that all homosexual people engage in homosexual acts, but this is not always the case. Because of fears or strong religious convictions, some may refrain from sexual behavior, yet experience an intense battle with homosexual attractions. Another wrong assumption is that all people who engage in homosexual acts are homosexual. There are huge numbers of heterosexual men who engage in homosexual acts for a variety of reasons, such as being in prison or anywhere where heterosexual sex is unavailable.
Also, we do not believe that a child who is involved in homosexual acts early in life will necessarily become homosexual unless these acts fulfill needs that are not being met in other ways, such as needs for love, acceptance, security and significance. In these cases, the child's involvement in the act is viewed as a "trade-off" for the non-sexual needs he is obtaining. It is possible that the act and the fulfilled needs could become synonymous, which could lead to the development of a homosexual orientation. However, statistics have shown most children who experience homosexual acts leave them behind, growing up to lead a normal heterosexual life.
Psychic Response. A brief definition of this term is, "sexual excitation (stimulation) caused by visual perception or fantasy speculation." Psychic response is also what people refer to as a "homosexual orientation." Though many people claim that they have experienced visual or sexual attraction for the same sex "as long as they can remember," there is a progression in a person's life that leads to a homosexual psychic response. A child may start out with a need to compare himself with others to see if he measures up to societal standards.
When he feels he doesn't compare favorably with others, he develops admiration for those traits and physical characteristics he feels he does not possess. Admiration, which is normal, may turn to envy. Envy leads to the desire to possess others and finally, to consume others. This strong desire becomes eroticized somewhere along the way, eventually leading to homosexual psychic response. As psychic response begins to grip someone's life, a certain amount of scheming takes place. Sexual situations are pictured in the mind. When the first sexual encounter takes place, it may be the result of several years of planning and fantasy. However, homosexual behavior can precede psychic response, which may develop as a conditioned response to pleasant encounters with those of the same sex.
Identity. Some people enter into homosexuality through "identity". These are people who may not have experienced sexual attraction for the same sex or have had any homosexual encounters. However, from an early age, they have felt they were "different" from other people. They feel abnormal, like they do not fit into the heterosexual world. They reason, "If I'm not heterosexual, then I must be gay" and they accept the homosexual label onto their lives. Of course, this is a misinterpretation. A person troubled with shyness, fear of the opposite sex, lack of athletic or social skills need not accept the label "homosexual." However, people do grow into labels. Once a label is accepted, the implied characteristics of that label begin to develop in a person's life. What we believe about ourselves is of extreme importance.
Lifestyle. A homosexual may insist that he bears no responsibility for his identity, his psychic response or even his first sexual encounter, which may have been forced upon him. However, every homosexual person must bear the responsibility for his or her choice to enter the homosexual lifestyle. People enter this lifestyle to varying degrees. Some live in the heterosexual world for the most part, seeking out only sporadic, impersonal sexual encounters. Others immerse themselves in the total "gay subculture," a setting in which the person works, lives and socializes in a totally gay environment. There are all the varying degrees in between these two extremes, but the gay lifestyle, for many people, is the first place where they have experienced any form of acceptance on a below-the-surface level. In spite of the acceptance that is available, however, the homosexual lifestyle often proves to be a painful and unrewarding way of life, particularly for older gays who are no longer desirable sexually.
As you can see from looking at these four components, homosexuality is a complex problem with many definitions and variations. If someone tells you, "I am a homosexual," he has really told you very little about himself. It takes a deeper look into his life to determine the degree to which homosexuality has become a part of his identity. This also illustrates why homosexuality can be a difficult problem to overcome.
It is true that the way out of homosexuality is not easy, yet there are thousands who have left homosexuality behind and have become "new creatures in Christ." Many have married and raised families, while others remain celibate, yet lead joyful lives devoted to God's service. God gives us the desires of our heart. Satan is not pleased when someone sees through the deception of homosexuality and discovers the way out. There are many battles to be fought, but "greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world."
We provide Gay and Lesbian specific counselling and mediation services.
The issues of the Gay and Lesbian Community include things that most people experience in life but extend beyond that to include issues of exclusion, homophobia, misrepresentation and a continued lack of equality in a range of areas.
If you are trying to work out your sexuality or feel confused we can support you through this process.
We can assist you if you are planning to start a family by helping you to plan and discuss the potential challenges and prepare your relationship. If you are having difficulties in your relationship we can assist you to address your concerns or manage separation with a child focus.